While there is endless information these days encouraging us caregivers to take care of ourselves, improve our abilities through education, and receive support by connecting with other caregivers, let me remind you of the people we hire to help take care of our loved ones.

When the job of caring became too much for me to do alone, I turned to others for help.  That came in the form of hiring strangers to entrust my mother’s care.  We started by having someone come into my mother’s home to prepare the noonday meal and provide some social interaction.  Although this arrangement only lasted two weeks, I have to say this young lady did what I asked of her even though my mother wasn’t so keen on having her in the house.  Not an easy job when the person you are there to serve doesn’t understand the need or resents your presence.

Very shortly after that, we moved Momma into an assisted living facility, where she had the help of Certified Nursing Assistants (CNA’s) to assist her with dressing and bathing.  I came to appreciate the confidence these (mostly female) workers had as they worked tirelessly all day long, going from one person to the next, to carry out their duties.  Some CNA’s seemed to enjoy their job more than others, some with genuine care and kindness, some just doing their job.  However, they all kept going, regardless of family or health problems or financial needs that was affecting their mood. Do I think that two weeks is a long enough time to be trained as an expert on giving care, especially to someone with dementia? No. Most of the learned care techniques are gained from each other while on the job.  So given the job qualifications required, the tasks to achieve on a daily basis are not easy.  After all, we needed help, too.

I’ve called the CNA’s our “friends” as I’ve explained their involvement to my mother.  We’ve taken their pictures and framed them along with their name underneath to remind us of how important they are to us.  We had to move into a Special Care Unit for a while and benefited from the new CNA’s we met there and their willingness to learn my mom’s habits and behaviors.  I have always tried to find ways to thank and encourage the work they do and report to their supervisor their diligence and good deeds.

Recently, I was considering  broken communication between a CNA and myself.  Instead of complaining, I decided to thank the entire unit for all their help by bringing in lunch for the day shift and dinner for the night shift.   If the pizza didn’t do it, maybe the Mississippi mud cake would bridge any gaps that had developed over the six months we’d been there.  While I have perceived that family members are viewed as potential trouble for the CNA’s, I feel these women need to hear what a good job they are doing and give them opportunity to take pride in their work.  They take the brunt of all complaints and expect to either hear it from the family, or worse, be reprimanded by their supervisor.  While this is appropriate at times, we need to know how to get along without fear of reprisal.

I hope we can change our perception of each other and be willing to work together for the good of the residents.  The care of our loved ones requires a harmonious team.  While we as family members might find that good care is hard to sustain, it’s is all our responsibility to improve communication and learn together.  Let’s start by thanking a CNA today.

I was distressed to witness the video report of elder abuse in nursing homes Friday night on the CBS news.  Families for Better Care Advocacy Group did a survey on nursing homes by state and have produced a report card for access on their website.  If you want to see how your state fares in nursing home care, go to Families For Better Care and search for your state.

To see the news story, go to CBSnews.com.

As your loved ones needs progress, you might consider adaptive clothing. Websites can be accessed at buckandbuck.com and Silverts.com.

I have just placed my mom into a skilled care facility.  The transition is difficult for us both.  Educating the staff on what works best with my mom is a delicate dance between what they do and what we expect.  We are still making adjustments but for all you folks doing a similar thing, here is a letter I’ve composed to help communicate our position.  Maybe it will help you, too.

Dear Caregiver,

Have I told you how important you are to us lately?  Along this journey with my mother and Alzheimer’s disease, you play a very important role.  You have the power to guide the outcome of her day by your sensitivity, creativity and kind nature. What helps my mother helps me.  And when Momma’s happy, everybody is happy.

Forgive me if I ever question the way you are caring for my mother.  You see, I am responsible for her welfare.  Before I chose you to help, I was providing her care.  Through trial and error, I figured out what methods worked best to achieve a pleasant day while accomplishing the activities of daily living.  When I could no longer handle the high demands of providing care alone, I turned to you for assistance.  However, I have the experiences that you could benefit from to help you do your job.

I have the privilege of knowing my mother very well.  I know her history, her preferences, and her personality.  I know how she might have responded to your personality when she was well.  Now that she has dementia and can’t use words to convey her wishes, we both need to take the time to listen to her nonverbal cues. Then we will best know how to approach and achieve what we are here to do.

We are both here, communicating with each other for one purpose―to care for my mom.  For me, this is a daunting task that I take very seriously.  I often feel helpless and afraid that I’m not doing everything I should to care for her.  At times, I have chosen to look the other way when things seem amiss because I don’t want to become estranged from you.  I need you.  I have learned a lot from you and value your input.  I couldn’t do this without you!

I need to trust your care for my loved one.  I know this isn’t an easy job for either of us.  I have added you to my team in hopes of working together.  Your interaction with my mother is of major importance to her quality of life.  If you’re having difficulty, let’s put our heads together to come up with a solution.  And when we do communicate, please pass that information on to the next caregiver so our solution and awareness won’t be lost.

In this information age, there are solutions to our challenges with a click of a mouse, a visit to the library, or time spent watching a DVD.  I encourage you to continue to take the time to educate yourself on all aspects of your job.  Please don’t be offended if I offer a suggestion when I think I know a better way.  And I’ll welcome any suggestions from you.   I want to keep the conversation going.  I am for you, not against you.  I want us to succeed.

I believe I speak for all the families who rely on someone else to care for their loved ones.  Our peace of mind and the quality of someone’s life depend on it.

Thank you.

I talked to a friend today who had a bad experience with a nursing home.  Her disabled mother was turned in the bed improperly by the CNA on duty who ignored her mother’s instructions.  As a result, her mother’s arm was broken.  A trip to the doctor to have her arm set and all the pain, suffering, and  expense involved caused my friend to consult a lawyer.  I asked her if she had called the ombudsman who is available to arbitrate any dispute she might have with the nursing home.  She said she had seen the ombudsman’s picture posted in the facility and would make a call.  If you have a dispute with assisted living or a nursing home, call Ivy Walker.