While there is endless information these days encouraging us caregivers to take care of ourselves, improve our abilities through education, and receive support by connecting with other caregivers, let me remind you of the people we hire to help take care of our loved ones.

When the job of caring became too much for me to do alone, I turned to others for help.  That came in the form of hiring strangers to entrust my mother’s care.  We started by having someone come into my mother’s home to prepare the noonday meal and provide some social interaction.  Although this arrangement only lasted two weeks, I have to say this young lady did what I asked of her even though my mother wasn’t so keen on having her in the house.  Not an easy job when the person you are there to serve doesn’t understand the need or resents your presence.

Very shortly after that, we moved Momma into an assisted living facility, where she had the help of Certified Nursing Assistants (CNA’s) to assist her with dressing and bathing.  I came to appreciate the confidence these (mostly female) workers had as they worked tirelessly all day long, going from one person to the next, to carry out their duties.  Some CNA’s seemed to enjoy their job more than others, some with genuine care and kindness, some just doing their job.  However, they all kept going, regardless of family or health problems or financial needs that was affecting their mood. Do I think that two weeks is a long enough time to be trained as an expert on giving care, especially to someone with dementia? No. Most of the learned care techniques are gained from each other while on the job.  So given the job qualifications required, the tasks to achieve on a daily basis are not easy.  After all, we needed help, too.

I’ve called the CNA’s our “friends” as I’ve explained their involvement to my mother.  We’ve taken their pictures and framed them along with their name underneath to remind us of how important they are to us.  We had to move into a Special Care Unit for a while and benefited from the new CNA’s we met there and their willingness to learn my mom’s habits and behaviors.  I have always tried to find ways to thank and encourage the work they do and report to their supervisor their diligence and good deeds.

Recently, I was considering  broken communication between a CNA and myself.  Instead of complaining, I decided to thank the entire unit for all their help by bringing in lunch for the day shift and dinner for the night shift.   If the pizza didn’t do it, maybe the Mississippi mud cake would bridge any gaps that had developed over the six months we’d been there.  While I have perceived that family members are viewed as potential trouble for the CNA’s, I feel these women need to hear what a good job they are doing and give them opportunity to take pride in their work.  They take the brunt of all complaints and expect to either hear it from the family, or worse, be reprimanded by their supervisor.  While this is appropriate at times, we need to know how to get along without fear of reprisal.

I hope we can change our perception of each other and be willing to work together for the good of the residents.  The care of our loved ones requires a harmonious team.  While we as family members might find that good care is hard to sustain, it’s is all our responsibility to improve communication and learn together.  Let’s start by thanking a CNA today.

My family did a cell phone intervention with me two years ago. I had held on to my original cell phone plan for many years and resisted any changes.  So when they transferred my number to a smart phone and a new company, I knew I was beat. I tried to keep an open mind. According to my family, now I would be able to text with them and do all the other things they could do—whatever that was.

My family was right. Once I mastered texting and using the phone, I began to explore apps.  First I followed recommended apps from my husband and son but then began to branch out and find what interested me. Since I am a caregiver for my mom who has Alzheimer’s disease, I soon found that my cell phone was my constant companion and record keeper. For example, I store information I need for doctor visits under Notes, as well as document what we discussed at the appointment. I set up Reminders for myself such as pay the private duty sitter and other bills or get medication and supplies. I have a Pill Finder app that helps me identify pills I find on the floor that Momma didn’t take and threw away. I can look up medications and their side effects if she is having some unexplainable symptoms. When we do her laundry, I can set the Timer to alert us to when the washer and dryer cycle is finished.

My phone has replaced the camera I once carried around. Just like everyone else with a smart phone, I am constantly taking photos of all the people in my family’s life. Once Momma moved to assisted living, we used photographs to help us remember faces and names of all the people that helped care for her. We set up a poster-sized frame in her room with pictures of all the employees, their job titles, and names. To boost visibility, it hung on the wall just inside her door, which encouraged many impromptu visits and comments. I was surprised to find how willing doctors are to have their photo taken with their patients. These photos would come in handy when we were about to have an appointment with the doctor and I could show Momma who we were going in to see. The pictures serve as our memory, and we can look at them over and over again.

The phone is also a resource for activities. We enjoy listening to Pandora’s easy listening music while accomplishing activities like brushing her teeth, painting her nails, or playing cards. I attach speakers to the phone to provide vintage music while leading a group exercise class for the other residents, and I can take requests without any prior preparation. Sometimes I look up words to old songs we can sing together because we’ve forgotten some of the words. Poems and even nursery rhymes are just a touch away with Internet service as part of the phone plan.

One app allows me to scan important documents and even send them by email with FasterScan, which expedites duties like filling out paperwork for moving into skilled care. I no longer have to be home to receive phone calls, send emails, or handle bank business. I can manage these responsibilities and still be with my mom. I finally have learned to complete as much information as I have on a phone contact to save time for future communication. I can text messages with Momma’s private sitters and receive an immediate response when needed. For my peace of mind, they have sent me photos of Momma while she is in their care just to let me know what they are doing. When I’m with her, I can send a text and photo to one of my children and share a response on the spot.

Even though cell phones are relatively new, Momma has embraced the little rectangular box we carry around that emits music and provides amusement in so many ways. I usually hand it to her to hold when I am pushing her in the wheelchair when we have the music playing. Because of her failing eyesight, the bigger screen of a computer or iPad is a better choice if I want her to see specific pictures clearly. However, for daily use and ease of transporting, my cell phone is all we need.

I have just placed my mom into a skilled care facility.  The transition is difficult for us both.  Educating the staff on what works best with my mom is a delicate dance between what they do and what we expect.  We are still making adjustments but for all you folks doing a similar thing, here is a letter I’ve composed to help communicate our position.  Maybe it will help you, too.

Dear Caregiver,

Have I told you how important you are to us lately?  Along this journey with my mother and Alzheimer’s disease, you play a very important role.  You have the power to guide the outcome of her day by your sensitivity, creativity and kind nature. What helps my mother helps me.  And when Momma’s happy, everybody is happy.

Forgive me if I ever question the way you are caring for my mother.  You see, I am responsible for her welfare.  Before I chose you to help, I was providing her care.  Through trial and error, I figured out what methods worked best to achieve a pleasant day while accomplishing the activities of daily living.  When I could no longer handle the high demands of providing care alone, I turned to you for assistance.  However, I have the experiences that you could benefit from to help you do your job.

I have the privilege of knowing my mother very well.  I know her history, her preferences, and her personality.  I know how she might have responded to your personality when she was well.  Now that she has dementia and can’t use words to convey her wishes, we both need to take the time to listen to her nonverbal cues. Then we will best know how to approach and achieve what we are here to do.

We are both here, communicating with each other for one purpose―to care for my mom.  For me, this is a daunting task that I take very seriously.  I often feel helpless and afraid that I’m not doing everything I should to care for her.  At times, I have chosen to look the other way when things seem amiss because I don’t want to become estranged from you.  I need you.  I have learned a lot from you and value your input.  I couldn’t do this without you!

I need to trust your care for my loved one.  I know this isn’t an easy job for either of us.  I have added you to my team in hopes of working together.  Your interaction with my mother is of major importance to her quality of life.  If you’re having difficulty, let’s put our heads together to come up with a solution.  And when we do communicate, please pass that information on to the next caregiver so our solution and awareness won’t be lost.

In this information age, there are solutions to our challenges with a click of a mouse, a visit to the library, or time spent watching a DVD.  I encourage you to continue to take the time to educate yourself on all aspects of your job.  Please don’t be offended if I offer a suggestion when I think I know a better way.  And I’ll welcome any suggestions from you.   I want to keep the conversation going.  I am for you, not against you.  I want us to succeed.

I believe I speak for all the families who rely on someone else to care for their loved ones.  Our peace of mind and the quality of someone’s life depend on it.

Thank you.

The Area Agency on Aging is pleased to announce its new dedicated Alzheimer’s helpline.  It provides free, trusted, unbiased information about services available in Mobile, Baldwin and Escambia Counties for individuals and families affected by Alzheimer’s disease and related dementias.  The phone is answered Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. on normal business days.  The service is provided in partnership with the Alzheimer’s &  Dementia Coalition of South Alabama.

Taking care of my mother’s affairs has stretched me in many areas.  This week, it’s figuring out how to file Social Security and Medicare taxes, pay Unemployment Compensation and get a Federal Tax Payer ID.  First, you have to calculate the year’s payments to the sitter if it’s over $600.  You should have  Form I-9 , Employment Eligibility Verification and a W-9 Form, Request for Taxpayer Identification Number and Certification filled out when you hired them.  Now don’t give up, you’re just getting started.  I know this is all foreign but you just have to learn as you go.

It’s not as bad as you may think.  Working this all out on the computer makes it pretty easy if you can navigate electronically, which you can, since you are reading this.  I went to efileforbusiness.com to fill out the W-2 Form which costs $3.95 per form. If you want to know the percentages for the taxes and what to put in which box, comment after this post and I’ll help you.   Next I went to the Alabama Dept of Labor to register and begin to pay quarterly payments for Unemployment Compensation.  Yes, there is a fee if you are late with the payments, but we’ll know better next time.  Apparently, you now have to have an Employer Identification Number (EIN) which is gotten at IRS.gov at no cost.  Anyway, by starting now, you can get this all figured out before the January 31 deadline.   And you would be smart if you start with getting the EIN first, so you can use it when you file the W-2 Form.

I know it’s not unusual to pay private sitter “under the table” but if you’re ready to join the other millions of taxpayers that finance this great country of ours, this is how you do it.