I recently read a book that was recommended by dementia blogger, Kate Swaffer, entitled, “Flourish, A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being” by Martin E. P. Seligman. It contains a chart of Active and Constructive Responding compared with other ways of responding that I took into consideration.

 There have been times that I have felt like a ghost, alone and disconnected from the other people that are present at the nursing home where my mother lives. I realized as I left the nursing home today that I had used “Active Listening and Responding” with the various people I had encountered. As a result, right now I feel more alive and present than usual after making my daily visit to the nursing home. Nothing out of the ordinary today, except I had engaging conversations with most everyone I met.

First, the receptionist commented on my outfit that I was wearing. I responded back by telling her where I had bought it. She then told me about her recent vacation and all the shopping she had done at some outlet stores. We continued with a few more details, I mailed my letter at her desk and thanked her for the compliment, signed in and went on my way.

I found Momma in her wheelchair in the empty day room, seemingly asleep. I had brought in some lemon meringue pudding for Momma to try. Although she had her eyes closed and was not responding, as soon as the spoon full of sweet pudding was by her lips, she opened her mouth and invited the sweet softness in. I got some ice water from the nearby kitchen to help wash down the sticky goodness and proceeded to feed her the entire portion.

Her CNA came by and announced she was going to lay Momma down so I told I would bring Momma to the room as soon as she had finished eating. When we arrived there, the CNA was selecting a gown from the chest of drawers. I noticed she looked at several, unfolding and inspecting, then folding and replacing. Finally, she chose one. I asked her if she had found one she liked. She laughed and said she couldn’t find the one she was looking for. I asked her if it was the peach colored one and she laughed with a “yes.” I said it was my favorite one, too. She commented it must be in the laundry. I agreed and hoped it would find it’s way back to the room.

While she got busy with Momma, I went across the hall to check on my Aunt Jamie.

Jamie had her eyes open and watched me approach her bed. I stroked her cheek and drew my face close to hers with a big smile. She smiled back. I told her she was beautiful and that I loved her. I nestled her soft stuffed twiddlecat against her check. She snuggled back. I asked if she would like something good to drink. With a promise of being right back, I left the room in search of an empty cup, spoon, cranberry juice and a packet of thickener. I stirred my concoction upon my quick return. Pressing the controls for the bed, I raised her head up and adjusted her pillow for the best position to receive the drink. I went back to Momma’s room and got a soft hand towel, then placed it under Jamie’s neck and on her chest to catch any drips and spills.

I lowered the rail on the side of the bed and pulled my chair up close by her head while she watched with interest. I turned on my Spotify music of cello and piano, turned on my Flip speaker to set the mood and gazed lovingly into my dear aunt’s eyes. She retuned the gaze and opened her mouth. She enjoyed one spoonful at a time, swallowing without hurry, looking out the window, over at the tv, then back to my smiling face. I studied her eyes, her widows peak, and wondered about the two hairline scars near her nose. We went on like that until she closed her eyes, signaling she’d had enough, so I took the towel into the bathroom and rinsed it with hot water. I returned to wipe all residue from her face and neck, before raising the side rail to it’s original position.

Just then the CNA arriving for the next shift came in. I commented on her hairstyle and she announced she had just had her picture taken with two other CNA’s who had won the annual contest for Favorite CNA for their shift. She was smiling and animated so I asked her what would happen next and she explained that there would be a banquet next week for all the CNA’s and that she would attend a larger gathering at a sister nursing home. I congratulated her on her achievement and joined in the happiness that she was feeling. She moved on and I decided to do so as well.

I took the speaker, my purse and wet towel with me to Momma’s room to see if she was still awake. Her roommate was not in, so I turned down the tv and set up a chair next to Momma’s bed. I placed the speaker into the hand that I fished out from under the covers. I gathered up our favorite bed companions – the stuffed lion pillow, the purple twiddle classic, and her doll baby – and arranged them within reach of her functional hand. In the past, she has enjoyed feeling the vibrations coming from the speaker. I laid my hand upon hers. Eventually, she pulled her hand from under mine. She began to feel my fingers and press on my fingernails with hers. This was incredibly intimate and sweet as it felt like my Mother was interacting with me. She moved her hand onto the leg of her baby doll. So I slipped my hand and the speaker out and offered her some water, which she took a sip of through the straw. I moved to the other side of the bed to see if I could make eye contact. She was staring ahead, without even blinking.  I moved my head in the line of her vision and then I came into view.  She looked at me as I began to sing familiar hymns, starting with “Blessed Assurance”, “Amazing Grace”, “Shall We Gather at the River”, and was working on “In the Garden” when the roommate hurridly entered the room, announcing that she had to pee! Since the toilet is located directly across from Momma’s bed and the door cannot be closed with her wheelchair in there, I moved past her to give her some privacy and to divert the lady who was following close behind.

“Happy birthday to you,” I said to the wandering lady, seeing the balloons attached to her chair. I extended my hand, smiling and she looked at me while taking my hand and smiled back. “I haven’t been able to find a thing,” she declared backing up. Her blue eyes expressive, her purse hanging around her neck, her feet directing her movement. “Let’s see if there is anything down this way”, I suggested and she moved on down the hall in her usual way.

By now, Momma’s attention was on the twiddle classic, drawing the purple muff to her mouth. I adjusted the tv volume back up for the roommate and gathered up my things. I stopped by Jamie’s room to set her tv for the night and tuck her in. She smiled at me, crinkling her eyes in the late afternoon darkness.

As I walked down the hall, I said farewell to the staff at the nurses station.  I saw a lady who had just come from the beauty shop so I commented on how nice her hair looked. She said she had done it herself. I suggested she might be able to give me some helpful tips on how to take care of my own hair. She chuckled and tried to say some things about her son. When she admitted she was somewhat confused, I asked her if her son had long hair. No, it’s curly. I told her my son’s hair was curly too but that I also had a son with very long hair. She asked what I had to say about that. I told her nothing. I’d already said all there was to say about that. She smiled and I went on my way, saying hello to another one of the sweet residents, while approaching a new lady who was seated at the corner that I would be turning. She began to sing “we shall meet on that beautiful shore,” her eyes on mine, uncertain.   I exclaimed, “I was just singing that!” and joined her in the next refrain, then reached out for her hand which she took and we sang some more. Our eyes and spirits locked in our discovery. Feeling uplifted and connected to my new friend, I walked on down to the lobby where I met with more interaction and constructive responding. As I walked out to the car, I wondered, where else could I have such rich experiences all in one place?  “Active and Constructive Responding” is truly effective and makes a big difference. I happily drove home, with a sense of well being, buoyed by the hope that one day we will meet on that beautiful shore.